Monday, March 28, 2011


Last night I stenciled and spray painted until the cows came home. How I managed to fall into sleep amidst the plumes of fumes, God only knows. My mother would have flipped a lid if she would have walked in to my room while I was crouched down low, tagging the shit out of my bedroom door, desk, scrap bin, cahier, toolbox. You name it, I tagged it. My art makery is in a strange place these days with no real time limit on any project I begin. It is nice, no complaints whatsoever, but I do look forward to the discipline that will come with school. But direction there is not. I stencil at my leisure, abandon drawings as quickly as I attempt them, write letters to people I miss.

Life is good! I really love this city and it feels like I am inching towards an exciting drop into something! Who knows. Spring is near, just around the corner (Amelia Bedelia style) and I am clipping dates into batter. People are OUT. Today I saw four of the most handsome men exit a vehicle all at the same time. It was like a really sexy clown car. What?!?! Where did they come from? People are coming out of the wood work, everyone is attractive and drinking lattes. I lurk with my camera at ready, too shy to ask crazy people for their portraits.

Today while cruising around Mile End with Le Poulet in the carriage, a woman with heavy blue eyeliner came flying up to us as we left the pet store (I parked a fixated Leo in front of the chirping birdies while searching for cat paraphernalia). She began in wild, gesturing french, pointing at my camera that was slung around my body. From the few words and frantic pointing, I eventually caught up with her. Realizing my slim french, she switched to spotty anglais and together we had one exciting conversation about photography. She kept referring to digital as 'numeric', which she insisted she detested and peppered me with questions on how I go about processing my work. By the end of the conversation we were encouraging each other to keep shooting, and celebrating the meeting of two purists at heart. Bon. She promised she would haul out her old camera and start shooting film again. I laughed when she thanked me (for what?) and thanked her in return.

Leonard and I did a lot this morning! Mama Dance with your Baby class is back! We also hit the bank, Phonopolis, Drawn & Quarterly, 4 Freres grocery, pet shop, my house (twice), coffee, with plenty of meandering in between all before one in the afternoon. Leo barked at everything that caught his attention, dogs included. Woof! More like Ooof Oof Ooof! He can also say bang, ball, NON, more and ma. May is for Megan, which suits me. I love this little flirty birdy. He is so much fun these days, so easy to entertain, to explore with, to take along to places. I really love being a nanny and couldn't ask for a better first job in a new town. Lucky woman.

This feels weird writing, there is nothing to say here. The old pre Spring slump, I am wading in it. No one cares to hear about my longing for the woods, a yellow tent under a canopy of laterals, shitting beside a swamp at six in the morning, the most vulnerable bare ass in the world. This will be the first spring/summer with feet like roots, acorn boots in the big city (in any city). Weird. My steel toes are shelved, I have traded my shovel for a stroller. So long as my hands are busy. Why do I feel so incredibly sad to miss the unveiling of summer in the bush? It is what I have come to know.

Time for change. This year has been a mystery sack of new experiences, upheaval, disappointment, heart break, great loss, excitement, pain, grief, anxiety, nostalgia, fear, longing. Why break the cycle? I may as well forge ahead into the unknown, I have nothing to lose at this point.

I miss my Auntie Marj. Grief tap, wide open at Leo's table like no time has passed at all.

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